The lipstick

I was born into and raised in a large family. I grew up with my grandparents, uncles and aunts. Familiar? My mom was the first of my family’s spouses to arrive.

So she looked after everyone, including grandparents, uncles, ants and their children. Our family was not like the typical family we see today.

They all called my mom “big mama”

Growing up, I don’t ever remember my mom young. She never took care of herself and never put any lipstick on. She was constantly working, cleaning and cooking for us and our extended family. She used to fall asleep while knitting socks and shirts.

She went through a lot to raise us. Her greatest joy in life was watching us kids eat ‘spinach pie and pasta”. Every night, my mom would kiss our feet and tuck us in, thanking God to protect us. That’s all I recall prior to the communist regime deporting my family. Then our family got destroyed….This would be a story for another time.

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20 years ago (in my early twenties) I got married and moved to Canada. I invited my mom in Canada to take care of me and my first baby. Being a new immigrant in Canada, struggling socially and linguistically, going through a culture shock and being far away from my family again, going through postpartum depression, I believe you get the picture.. Having my mom here was the greatest blessing.

Imagine me: a young women and mother, sleepless, grouchy, painful breast leaking from milk, exhausted from a crying baby.

One day I couldn’t take it anymore I started crying from being exhausted.

My mom, gently took the baby from me, in her arms rocked her singing “nani nani nani” and put her to sleep.

She then took my hand in hers and seated me down, wiping my tears.

“Ma, -I asked- HOW DID YOU DO IT?” . She knew very well what I meant. She had the four of us and took care of everyone and everything else.

“Almushka, you can’t go against your fate!” she sighed and tried to smile.

“Everyone can do what they want, but doing what you need to do- is the strength God gives you” she said

I had no idea what she meant at that moment.

“Ma, are you strong?” I asked.

“No, not really, she said smiling with my naiveté .

“Ma, have you ever taken care of yourself?”

“Did you ever do something that makes you happy? Did you ever put a lipstick on?”

She did not answer to any of my childish questions. Questions inspired by classic books, I used to read at that time.

She was quiet for awhile. Then she said “God have blessed me enough- with my children” She then asked me to take a shower. She put her hand in and took something under her bra. A lipstick. She said that I will always feel better if I had a lipstick on. She wanted me to put lipstick on and didn’t want my husband to see me in tears.

How did she do it?? Being married to a physically challenged man, coming from a poor family, and being married to a wealthy family but prosecuted by the regime, she suffered deportation under the Communism regime and the worst- her children were being taken away from her chest……

How did she do it?

I connected with her at that very moment. Not as a daughter would to a mother, but as a woman would to another woman. I could feel her anguish, her suffering and her immense joy that she had us. I felt all the emotions simultaneously…

This was the first time I’ve ever connected with my mom as a women. I cried with hot tears dripping on my chin.

At that very moment I realized that my life was good.

Indeed….

My mother died five years ago in Albania. She waited for me but not enough. I didn’t give her my last goodbye! They waited for my arrival to conduct the funeral.

The agony that I experienced was indescribable. When I went close to kiss her for the last time she seemed peaceful and beautiful. I don’t remember seeing her that beautiful in my life. I saw something, in the corner of the silk pillow where she laid her head…..

A lipstick! My heart clenched. She had waited for me …..

I was choked on my tears. I knew immediately what she was saying to me…

“Who, put “that” there I asked my sister-in-law?

Before she died, she had asked to put the lipstick near her.

“This was her last wish” my sister -in-law said.